Aristotle (computer graphic)
After the heartening response to the Christmas blogpost, it would feel like a betrayal to return here to business as usual. I offer a few observations and reflections on friendship, dedicated to you who responded so generously to that previous message.
I love birthdays, including Christmas, because they celebrate you not for any achievement but just because you are. So much of life is striving, but being, simply being, is equally important. I remember a Christmas card that I received years ago. The front cover of the card showed a drawing of an overjoyed couple (who “look like” Joseph and Mary, looking down . . . at the side you notice a bit of straw, a few lines suggesting a piece of wood . . . and then it dawns on you that you, the viewer of the card are implicitly placed in the role of Jesus—the one who is the occasion of such rejoicing.
As long as each friend is growing, their relationship grows even if they may go through a long time of not interacting. Then they see each other again or connect in some way, and they recognize that the friend has become more, is more now. Love surges forth more than before in response to that more real friend.
There are factors in friendship that can be understood and communicated to others, factors of similarity and complementarity, strengths and needs. But to some extent, friendship cannot be accounted for: the loving contact between unique personalities transpires behind a veil of mystery. It is not something that can be explained. That does not mean that love is blind, just that what the lover sees in the beloved goes beyond any justification that can be explained. It is not the mind and body, but the unique personality, constant through change, that we discover and recognize again and again.
Friendship may catch fire when, amid the interactions which are mainly about physical, mental, and social activation, the other person is authentic enough and open enough to (usually unconsciously) reveal who they really are. When we get a glimpse of that unique personality, a masterpiece of the Creator’s art, we can never be the same. Our concept of the Source Personality has grown. Our motivation to love has expanded.
And there are the things that friends, especially close friends, do for one another, things that can make us grateful forever, can even give us the sense that we could never in one short lifetime, by any series of things we could ever do, fully express our gratitude and affection.
Soren Kierkegaard in Works of Love contrasts (1) divinely commanded neighbor love, which must be equal toward everyone if it is to be genuine toward anyone with (2) preferential love, which is unequal. Like a demanding, ascetical, and unreasonable master, he drives home his first point, leaving no place for preferential love . . . until the end. I am unsympathetic with his exposition, but I make the same point in a different manner: our being equally sons and daughters of God underlies and sustains preferential love, such as friendship.
Aristotle’s idea of friendship has a lot to do with shared interests, things that friends can do together; but it also includes types: friendships of pleasure, friendships of practical usefulness, and friendships of persons who are excellent (I always want to add friendships of persons who are profoundly committed to growing). Aristotle also recognizes the height of friendship—to lay down your life for your friend(s), an action that someone of excellent character can choose because that action, in the right situation, has a beauty to it that attracts the soul of the loyal friend.
Happy loving, happy befriending in the year to come!
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a5/Kierkegaard-to-find-the-idea.jpg/640px-Kierkegaard-to-find-the-idea.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0e/Aristotelesbunt.jpg
Your comment about friendship caused a delightful reaction deep down in my soul as I recognized that I have such a friend. Just thinking about it brings pleasant memories to the forefront. If you will indulge me, I would like to share this experience since I wrote it down shortly after it happened.
Today about 5:00 P.M. while driving home from work, my car suddenly went dead while approaching a busy intersection during rush hour traffic. I was able to coast through the intersection, coming to a stop about 50 yards from the intersection. I tried to restart
the car several times, but to no avail. One of my worst fears had been realized: Malfunction of my car in a strange city.
As I set, I thought of my Triple A Card. I checked my wallet, and found the card. All the rush hour traffic was zooming by me, but no one stopped. I got out of my car, and started walking back
toward the intersection, realizing that I had no change to put in a telephone booth once I found one. Numerous thoughts flowed through my mind: Thoughts about how to get home, and back to work.
I looked across the four lane highway, and saw a man in a car beckoning to me. He asked if I needed a ride. I pointed back toward my stalled car, and said that it was not working. He drove to the intersection, turned around and pulled up behind my stopped car. He got out, and
asked me what the problem was. This was a army sergeant, a staff sergeant, a green beret. He tried to start my car, and when he failed, he offered first to take me to a telephone booth,
but then offered to take me home where I could call Triple A. After completing a small errand, he took me home. I asked him to come in for a few minutes. We talked about medicine for a few minutes, and he said that he had always wanted to do something in medicine.
After I called Triple A, he suggested that I drive with him home, and that he would allow me to drive his car, back to my car which was stalled. When we arrived at the stalled car, the tow truck was just pulling up. As we drove, we talked about religion. The subject had come up when he said that he would stay with me while I solved my car problems. He said he was a teacher in a Bible Study Class at his church. We talked about some of the problems of being a religious teacher. We had a common interest since I was a Sunday School Teacher. We continued to talk after we had arrived at his home for about 15 minutes. I met his wife and his son, and then he gave me the keys to his car, saying I could keep the car until mine was fixed. It took about 3 days for my car to be repaired. I drove back to my apartment in my new found friend’s car.
After entering my apartment, I became overwhelmed by strong emotions of gratitude. I broke down and wept. I could scarcely believe what had happened to me. Never in my life had anyone
displayed such kindness of such a magnitude towards me. This was a complete stranger, but not anymore. He is my best friend.
Over the years, we have many times been separated, sometimes for years at a time as his job took him on overseas assignments, but when we met again, it was if we had never been separated so strong was the bond of friendship. And we continue to share our experiences with each other. From time to time, he manages to come and visit me. When my wife was given a surprise birthday party by our grand daughter, he and his wife was there for that, and when our daughter Tiffany graduated from medical school, he was also there for that joining in the spirit of our celebration. He is a true friend and whom I will always be grateful to him for coming to my rescue when I really needed it. Yes, true friendship is a joy of joys.
Dr. Perry
I am so grateful that you, my beloved brother, with all your difficulties in life, have such a stable and warm source of solace and support.
Your comment about friendship caused a delightful reaction deep down in my soul as I recognized that I have such a friend. Just thinking about it brings pleasant memories to the forefront. If you will indulge me, I would like to share this experience since I wrote it down shortly after it happened.
Today about 5:00 P.M. while driving home from work, my car suddenly went dead while approaching a busy intersection during rush hour traffic. I was able to coast through the intersection, coming to a stop about 50 yards from the intersection. I tried to restart
the car several times, but to no avail. One of my worst fears had been realized: Malfunction of my car in a strange city.
As I set, I thought of my Triple A Card. I checked my wallet, and found the card. All the rush hour traffic was zooming by me, but no one stopped. I got out of my car, and started walking back
toward the intersection, realizing that I had no change to put in a telephone booth once I found one. Numerous thoughts flowed through my mind: Thoughts about how to get home, and back to work.
I looked across the four lane highway, and saw a man in a car beckoning to me. He asked if I needed a ride. I pointed back toward my stalled car, and said that it was not working. He drove to the intersection, turned around and pulled up behind my stopped car. He got out, and
asked me what the problem was. This was a army sergeant, a staff sergeant, a green beret. He tried to start my car, and when he failed, he offered first to take me to a telephone booth,
but then offered to take me home where I could call Triple A. After completing a small errand, he took me home. I asked him to come in for a few minutes. We talked about medicine for a few minutes, and he said that he had always wanted to do something in medicine.
After I called Triple A, he suggested that I drive with him home, and that he would allow me to drive his car, back to my car which was stalled. When we arrived at the stalled car, the tow truck was just pulling up. As we drove, we talked about religion. The subject had come up when he said that he would stay with me while I solved my car problems. He said he was a teacher in a Bible Study Class at his church. We talked about some of the problems of being a religious teacher. We had a common interest since I was a Sunday School Teacher. We continued to talk after we had arrived at his home for about 15 minutes. I met his wife and his son, and then he gave me the keys to his car, saying I could keep the car until mine was fixed. It took about 3 days for my car to be repaired. I drove back to my apartment in my new found friend’s car.
After entering my apartment, I became overwhelmed by strong emotions of gratitude. I broke down and wept. I could scarcely believe what had happened to me. Never in my life had anyone
displayed such kindness of such a magnitude towards me. This was a complete stranger, but not anymore. He is my best friend.
Over the years, we have many times been separated, sometimes for years at a time as his job took him on overseas assignments, but when we met again, it was if we had never been separated so strong was the bond of friendship. And we continue to share our experiences with each other. From time to time, he manages to come and visit me. When my wife was given a surprise birthday party by our grand daughter, he and his wife was there for that, and when our daughter Tiffany graduated from medical school, he was also there for that joining in the spirit of our celebration. He is a true friend and whom I will always be grateful to him for coming to my rescue when I really needed it. Yes, true friendship is a joy of joys.
Dr. Perry
I am so grateful that you, my beloved brother, with all your difficulties in life, have such a stable and warm source of solace and support.