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Some people we find hard to love. What they say, how they say it; what they do, how they do it . . . their words and deeds get to us; and we react. We stare at the facts that make it hard for us to love someone, and that reinforces our own unbeautiful emotions. Lots of people today feel entitled to indulge ugly reactions towards other individuals and groups. When we get caught up in these sentiments, we experience the planet as a place where things are so bad that it is open warfare against our opponents who don’t agree with our perspective.
But suppose we are willing to slow down the momentum of our unbeautiful emotions. Suppose we are willing to experiment with the idea that we are all family and that we should learn to love each other.
Now my philosophy tells me that I can enhance my spirituality by adding cosmic truthto my efforts to grow in love. Cosmic truth includes the truths of science, philosophy, and spiritual experience. Today’s reflection is designed to illustrate what that can mean.
Again, staring at the facts that makes this person hard for us to love does not help us get unstuck. In order to get beyond our antagonism, we can open up and ask a question, actually move beyond a cynical or resentful interpretation of the other person and experiment by allowing ourselves to become curious, to want to understand. Why does this person speak and act the way they do? Why? What would it take to find out? How much better would I have to know them? What could I do to get to know that person better? Or do I already know enough to make a lot of progress with the information that I already have?
The question of why someone speaks or acts in ways that we find frustrating opens up curiosity, adventure, discovery, and . . . ultimately a quality of understanding that I want to call scientific. And to be honest, part of the inquiry is about why we ourselves react as we do! So this story becomes a two-fold venture into understanding.
If we understand a person, their motives and sentiments, then we move from the realm of simple fact into the realm of truth. There is something universal about their story. Countless people have the same factors at work in their words and deeds. We can tentatively form a generalization that helps us understand a variety of people with the same problem. Yes, everyone is unique; and, yes, everyone’s story has things in common with the stories of other people. It is these understandable common threads, these factors of cause and effect, that bring our understanding into the realm of the truths of science. We could study and learn more, but at least we are not just staring at the facts that make it hard for us to love the person. Our love is becoming intelligent. This a kind of understanding that science tries to provide. When we have a better idea of the factors that operate in the way we speak and act, then we have taken a very important step from fact into truth.
But there is more to the story. To live the truth, it is not enough to just live some of the truths of science. Just understanding why a person acts and why we react is not enough to decide the question of how to respond. For that we need wisdom. And when we seek wisdom, we enter a new domain of truth, the truths of philosophy. For example, when we understand our reactions enough to improve our ability to understand and love the other person, we may still conclude that the other person’s conduct is seriously wrong.
In that case, even though we acquire the overarching spiritual attitudes of tolerance and mercy in our regard for the other person, we may need to act in ways that do not passively tolerate the actions of a seriously and persistently mistaken individual. We find ways of loving and constructive intolerance for that individual’s erroneous ways.
I think of all the blessing that countless people find when they use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can change; and wisdom to know the difference.” Actually, this prayer is simplistic, but if we add some reflection to it, we can pray even more intelligently and receive even more divine wisdom. First of all, in order to find serenity about things that are seriously wrong that are beyond our control—in ourselves and others—it takes wisdom and the truths of spirit. We need to recognize what is beyond our control—and not everything that we could change is an effort that is included in our heavenly Father’s will for us. Example number one. Sometimes a wise parent allows a child to continue on a mistaken path that leads to consequences from which the child can learn an important lesson. Example number two. Jesus’ life of service—his preaching and teaching and ministry—liberated every receptive human soul; and it indirectly illuminated every social, economic, and political problem. Jesus could have done more to directly address social, economic, and material problems—but that was not within his particular mission. Jesus’ serenity was based on his total trust in his Father to bring forth a magnificent destiny for humankind on this planet. And Jesus could trust in the eventual triumph of the spiritual truths of his gospel of the family of God; and he knew that the mighty Spirit of Truth was in that gospel—and would eventually win out over all human ignorance, resistance, and foolishness. Jesus knew that he could win short term victories by departing from the eternal wisdom of the Father, but he also understood the truths of creation. Certain achievements have to be in place before other things can happen. There are sequences in personal growth and planetary progress that cannot be violated. People must come to their own understanding, their own wisdom, their own insight, in order to make the willing choice for the Father’s will and way. We resist. Some people refuse to learn—ever. Other people, like myself, learn many things the hard way. And some people, like myself, learn some things the easier way—by cherishing and obeying knowledge, wisdom, and insight.
The Serenity Prayer is right that it takes courage to act. The action of wisdom and spiritual power is not available to a person who lacks courage. And in spite of everything that we need to do to cooperate in our own growth, every virtue is ultimately a fruit of the spirit—something that is given by God. Faith is a gift. We must exercise it, but we do not create it. And the very need to exercise it is itself a gift from God. We are called into existence in this world to prepare us for the adventure of eternity, which will require us to cooperate in even greater transformations in the mansions in the Father’s house and eventually dedicate ourselves to perfect service in eternity.
And the Serenity Prayer is right in that, for all we need to do to seek wisdom, ultimately, wisdom is the gift of God. The spirit of wisdom working within us leads us as we seek, illuminates our finding, and guides the order of our lives as we seek to live wisely.
I wish I could revise the Serenity Prayer in a way that would preserve its beautiful simplicity. But there are not simply two categories of things—things we can’t change and things we can change. Instead, the second category is divided into the things we shouldwork to change and the things that we should notwork to change. Here’s a version of the Serenity Prayer that reflects this observation. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to work for change in the things you want me to work on; and the wisdom of your will and your way.”
I cannot change another person’s way of thinking, although I can reach out with ideas expressed in a way that are positive and inviting. I cannot remove a person from a position which is not his right place. I can write essays on the many aspects of error that I find in this person’s thinking and in that of others who agree with his ideas and general policies of action. I can include little lessons in presentations that I make. And most of all, I can acknowledge my own growth needs—my own inherent tendencies to react, tendencies which I cannot change, though I can work to learn better ways to respond. And I can acknowledge the incompleteness of my own wisdom, and labor to grow in love and mercy as I set forth my ongoing discoveries in this debate.
But for love to be intelligent and wise, one more thing is needed—and that is reflection on the meaning of love. The truths of philosophy are truths of intellectual meaning. Wisdom leads to good decisions by bringing together the meanings of the relevant facts and values. In this case, we have to consider the meaning of love—the main value in this example.
There is very much to say on the meaning of love, but I want to present this example, in which we see love interpreted in terms of a variety of meanings. Yesterday I had the pleasure of seeing my friend Stephen Post, medical ethicist, and founder and president of the Institute for Research on Unlimited Love. Here’s a quote from Stephen which describes his early morning practice.
“When I rise in the morning, which is usually quite early before people have had a chance to intrude on the quietness, I pray a bit for the gift of Godly love, and then I take a while with eyes closed but imagination open, to visualize the interactions to come during the course of the day. I usually know my schedule, so I visualize each interaction, from those with my wife and children to those with the many people I will be meeting that day, from the groups to whom I may be speaking, to the individuals scheduled for a conference call. I ask myself, one by one, how can that person or those people best be loved? What does my heart and what does Godly love want me to give them? Some people need compassion, some a little carefrontation, others an expression of loyalty or perhaps celebration. By very briefly visualizing these interactions I set the stage for the day before it really begins. I gain a sense of genuine intentionality—“I am living today to express the ways of love, and to draw on Godly love in every interaction without exception.” I ask God to help me in this endeavor to spread love in small ways throughout the course of the day. Godly love becomes my partner for the day. And then I try to act accordingly, to make these loving intentions and rehearsed interactions become reality. They usually do. Actions are key; otherwise this is a purely internal exercise of no great value or purpose.”
Post’s research on love draws on science, philosophy, and theology—but most of all on science. He works with a concept of love that has ten dimensions—all supported by scientific research. He visualizes these dimensions on a wheel with no beginning or end: respect, listening, compassion, helpfulness, creativity, forgiveness, carefrontation (confrontation modified by love), celebration, mirth, and loyalty. Decades of Christian living in love, and years of consciously channeling energies into these ten expressions of love, show in Stephen’s radiant personality. My way of thinking about the meanings of love differs from Stephen’s, but every item that he works with has a place in my concept. And I am beginning to adapt his practice in my life.
Anyone up for joining me and Stephen?
http://unlimitedloveinstitute.org/bios/stephen-post.php
The quote comes from Stephen G. Post, Godly Love: A Rose Planted in the Desert of our Hearts (Templeton Foundation Press, 2008)
