Know anyone who is grieving?

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A tender-hearted girl, her tender-hearted father, and her tender-hearted grandmother, were all sensitive and responsive to human need. And they led the family in doing things together when they would notice when a neighbor or friend or stranger would have a particular need; and they all got considerable pleasure by doing something to meet that need.

The grandmother became old, and contracted a painful illness, and suffered greatly for three years until her death. During those three years, the daughter visited her grandmother frequently and devoutly. She made things to bring her, shared lessons from school with her, and was deeply enjoying their friendship as the grandmother’s decline continued.

The family grieved her death, and the girl was especially distraught. When the father saw that she was ready to talk, he went with her on a walk outside. They sat down together in solitude at a table in a park, for what proved to be a memorable conversation. The girl was mainly filled with anger against God for not preventing the extreme suffering that the grandmother and endured. The father let her express herself at length and did not challenge her.

In his grief he spoke of two perspectives on human suffering. One is the normal, natural, and essential one of the feelings of sympathy and pity as we feel another’s struggle. The other perspective is what he had acquired in his work as a professor of history. Every year he would teach a world history survey; and this had given him a long-range view of the whole of human history. He would present a view of civilizations East and West and Middle East, and North and South. He would repeatedly highlight the importance of science and religion and the arts, and occasionally season his class with indirect expressions of his faith in a magnificent destiny for humankind in an eventual world-wide advanced civilization—also known as the kingdom of heaven on earth. He also had occasion to note the bubonic plague, the natural disaster of the Lisbon earthquake, the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln, and two world wars. He said that he mourns some of the things that he sees happening in our world today. Some of the lessons of history we have not yet learned. Each perspective has its usefulness. And wisdom guides the expression of sympathy and pity.

The father knew that his daughter could not understand everything that he said, but it was a way for him to express himself, too. After he had finished his talk about the two perspectives, he emphasized with his daughter all the happiness and comfort that she had brought to the grandmother. And that encouragement surprised his daughter and stayed in her heart.

Years passed. The girl grew up and went to college, where she majored in nursing . . . and dropped her faith. More years passed.

When she was in her 40s, in the maturity of her career in nursing, she had regained her faith. She had learned to take a long-range view of the whole of a human life with its potentials in this world and beyond. When her husband died, she had a talk with her son, who had kept a strong faith throughout his teenage years. He could understand a fuller conversation about the eternal truth of mourning: Happy are they who mourn for they shall be comforted.

In their conversation, mother and son shared stories around the following ideas. Mourning is not just about someone dying. There are all kinds of losses or occasions for deep sadness. There is serious disappointment or defeat. The list goes on.

There is no hurry to process the loss. No need to push the happy button and pretend. No need to conform to the image of the tough guy who don’t show emotion, because that is supposed to be a sign of weakness. Real manhood and mourning go together.

It takes time to honestly experience the pain, to understand what we can, to accept, to learn the lessons, and to find our way forward.

If we process suffering with God and in God, we do experience comfort in this life and beyond. She told her son that his father was dying, he was grieving losses, too, and your visits to him were a source of considerable happiness and comfort.

Finally, it’s not just about your losses. It’s about other people’s needs as well. And as we stay active in responding to others’ needs, we are more open to more fully to receive the divine and human comfort that comes our way. Divine comfort sometimes reaches us through the kindness of a family member, friend, care-giver, or stranger. No to mention the life to come!

 

Photo credit: by Dave http://mrg.bz/LsH3I1