In order to have the fullest, most satisfying experience of forgiveness, consider that forgiveness is an expression of the divine attitude of mercy. That attitude motivates whatever process may wisely be involved in making forgiveness real.
Mercy is love applied to the understanding of the individual–that person’s motivation, circumstances, and personal history.
The process of forgiveness as taught by Jesus we can read in Matthew 18:12-34. The motivation for the entire process is revealed in the parable of the lost sheep, who wanders off and gets separated from the flock. The good shepherd leaves the flock and goes searching for the sheep that has gotten lost, and when he finds the sheep he picks it up, puts it over his shoulder, and calls to friends and neighbors to rejoice that this sheep, which had been lost, now is found. The point of the process of forgiveness is to restore the lost wrongdoer to the circuits of loving community.
The process can happen quickly. “If your brother sins against you, go to him privately” and have the conversation. In that conversation–or carefrontation, as it is sometimes called–the erring person should be able to recognize and acknowledge the wrong and to apologize sincerely, thereby beginning a journey of personal growth. “If your brother listens to you, then you have won your brother.”
But if your brother refuses to listen, go with a few mutual friends, so that it is clear to all concerned that the complaint has been presented justly and fairly. If he still refuses, you may bring him before the whole group, which may decide to exclude him from further fellowship.
Wrongdoing has consequences on many levels, physical, biological, mental, moral, social, and spiritual. To shield someone from having to deal with consequences is unreal; and it can block the fulfillment of the mercy process.
After a person has suffered serious, deliberate harm, it can take a tremendous amount of work to release the toxic emotions of anger and the desire for revenge. It can be liberating to let go. And I honor the work and I celebrate the liberation.
And I also urge that the forgiveness process is not yet complete.
A study several years ago offered convicts in a Baltimore prison the opportunity to meet with the person they had harmed and to apologize. 300 prisoners accepted that opportunity. And only one of the 300 was ever convicted again and sent to prison. Statistics on recidivism suggest that 70% would not be surprising. .
Neither is forgiving oneself a substitute for the rehabilitation that comes from social interaction. But there is also the interaction with God, and there the appropriate thing to do is to accept divine forgiveness.
Image credit: Jean Voyez, The Lost Sheep. Cleveland Museum of Art
