Think of starting out from early childhood to grow in ways that are well-developed and well-balanced. Some people do this, others don’t, but we can all build on strengths and overcome deficiencies.
I propose an informal philosopher’s experiment, and I invite you to join in, if you would like to do so. You can briefly answer one or more of the following questions by commenting on this blog post, thereby sharing with other participants in an experiment in growth. While each person is expected to maintain a supportive attitude toward other participants, we will not give advice unless it is asked for, so if you would like to receive advice, please ask me or the group or particular group members. Or ask God.
Questions for your consideration.
Why are the years of early childhood (through, say, age seven or eight) so important? What aspects of development occur during those years in a well-balanced child?
What capacities of mind are involved in those developments?
What kinds of activities help the child to actualize those potentials?
Share an aspect from your childhood that grew normally and describe something of your experience that enabled you to progress?
Finally, think of some area that you would like to strengthen, an area of development that normally begins in early childhood. Come up with ideas of balanced and healthy activities that would help you gain the growth you desire. If you choose, create and commit to a project that could help you grow in that area. Ideas may come immediately, then insights, then breakthroughs, but building new character habits takes longer. If you would like to do so, you are invited to share your project decision and, later, your project experience, with the readers of this weblog through comments on this blog post.
My own project thus far
I will lead off by sharing my own growth project to address a deficiency that goes back to my early childhood: socialization. There is so much that children can and do accomplish through socialization: they orient to family life by relating with parents and siblings, they play and have fun, get to know one another, form close friendships, and learn from mingling with all kinds of people.
I will not go back to describe, let alone analyze, my socialization deficit from my early childhood; rather I will share something of my present deficiency that I am beginning to overcome by the grace of God.
But a couple comments before getting into details. I went back two weeks in my journal to select the relevant–though disconnected–stories for this portion of the blog post. There is a lot here; and no one needs to read any of what follows before jumping in with comments. In fact, there are advantages to not reading it, at least until you do your own project. If I share some of my discoveries, I run the risk of compromising some of the freshness of the discoveries that you need to make.
One of my particular challenges in socializing is to integrate an easy and flowing sense of equality with others with my cultivated awareness of superior and subordinate relationships. In some types of situation I can be a good subordinate or team member; in some types of situation I have been a good superior or teacher or leader. But apart from times with some good friends and time when I meet someone and the conversation sparks immediately, I need to develop the relaxed, easygoing way of meeting and mingling. Over the years, I have accumulated piles of culture that enable me to engage in intellectual conversation on various topics; but this cultured conversation can also function as a defense mechanism which makes others feel uncomfortable. My positive attitude toward people is sometimes upstaged by my perception of some minor conflict with another person. Although I believe in the brotherhood of man—that we are all family, that we should love one another and treat each other the way we want others to treat us, I do not consistently live that truth and those ideals.
So a few weeks ago, I decided to develop myself in socializing. For other reasons, I had decided to develop myself in public speaking and so joined Toastmasters International; naturally I recognized that my club would be an arena for me to grow in socializing my personality. At my first meeting, I was asked whether I would be willing to help out with public relations (alerting local media to club events). At first I said that it was too early for me to respond, but the next morning I awoke with a strong sense that this was something I should do; so I made a big decision and communicated it to the person who had asked me. The delights of reflection and prayer are hardly sufficient for progress. Acting on a decision, getting involved, is essential.
Another project I worked on for a few days was to select from my current contacts addresses to use in creating a new mailing list that I could use in my new MailChimp account. The purpose is to send bulk e-mail notifications of (for example) the publication of my book, the launch of my podcast, the start of projected online classes, presentations, and other events related to my emerging work on the philosophy of living in truth, beauty, and goodness. The MailChimp team provide repeated, strong, clear messages about not spamming people, and I got the idea of developing a list of people who had already signed up to receive email from me or who would genuinely welcome who had given me their email addresses on a sign-up sheet or had in other ways communicated to me their readiness to receive at least an initial email from me. My first email message will be to find out who wants what notifications.
Working to create that MailChimp list was a wonderful experience in socialization, as I went through my contact list, culling 507 names. In some cases I e-mailed people to ask whether they would like to be on my new list. In some cases my e-mail address no longer worked, so I used Facebook, LinkedIn, and the Internet to try to locate the people. One by one, I lovingly brought the person to mind and selected them for this list. My relationships with these people were quite diverse; some were colleagues, some people with whom I have connected powerfully though briefly at the Kent State Student Recreation and Wellness Center, some were students whom I knew years ago; some gave contact information on a sign-up sheet that I circulated during my talk at the Parliament of the World’s Religions. (By the way: if you read this blogpost and want to be added to this list, just let me know!) In other words, creating the MailChimp list was a little like socializing with those individuals again.
One day I got frustrated that some people that I had been communicating with were not responding as I had hoped. Then I realized that my frustration was based, at least partly, on my own deficient leadership. I should not try to drive people by exhortation, but rather whet appetites. Thinking back, I remembered a very successful leader with whom I had worked, a man who was consistently positive in his message. Another major lesson in social relations.
The next lesson came when I was listening to a sermon that was initially unappetizing. After my initial disappointment, I went into a certain kind of listening mode, lovingly appreciating and supporting the speaker for the qualities in him that I believe come straight from God: his unique personality, mysterious, and constant through change; and the spirit of God within him. But then I realized that I was no longer paying attention to what he was saying. So finally I decided to listen to what he was saying while putting my intellectual understanding of the meaning of his words back into the personal context of my loving regard for this divinely created, infinitely loved, child of God. That was a major discovery on socialization.
Next it was time for an upgrade in my relation with my wife, who is distinctly superior to me in a number of ways. I realized that I needed to pray for general illumination regarding this kind of asymmetry, lower-to-higher. Sometimes I find myself in a position of subordination or even take a position of subordination instinctively and subconsciously in order to ingratiate myself with another person. My conviction is that, when our spiritual equality in the family of God is strongly lived, we can graciously deal with the asymmetries that are also a part of life. I can report that prayer has indeed helped, but I need to keep refreshing that prayer if I am to establish a habit of the new and better way as I relate with my wife.
One helpful insight came as I recalled a familiar thought about the sovereignty of the individual person. Each person has dignity, respected in the framework of the justice of Deity, and upheld by divine power (however remote this may appear in the outworking of evolution in our world). I began to stand taller, and now I have a new conceptual resource to bolster low self-esteem whenever that might surface in myself or in another person.
Along the way I realized that alert socialization leads to learning about persons and about different groups. Though I have hardly begun to act on this insight, I am at least aware of the potentials in a new way, which helps my attitude to become more open to difference, and expect less of others.
Next I faced my workaholic tendency, and interpreted it as in part a failure to realize the pervasively social character of work (even if one is working “alone”). The more social my experience of work becomes, the easier it is to work in a way that is free of drivenness and more open to balancing my schedule with socializing. (I have barely begun to work on this insight.)
Then I discovered humor in what I now call my tendency firmly to grasp a number of third-rail positions. When I say “third rail” I am using a somewhat common metaphor based on the dangerous third rail in metro train systems: touch it and you die. Google gives the following definition: “The third rail of a nation’s politics is a metaphor for any issue so controversial that it is ‘charged’ and ‘untouchable’ to the extent that any politician or public official who dares to broach the subject will invariably suffer politically.” In other words, I express a number of non-mainstream views that risk turning off large proportions of people who might otherwise enjoy my philosophy of living (for example, by speaking of the fatherhood of God and the brotherhood of man to express the throbbing spiritual heart of that philosophy, the concept and experience of what I more often refer to diplomatically as “the universal family”). Seeing a humorous aspect to my idiosyncratic tenacity helps me avoid tension and also helps me be open to learn new ways of thinking and speaking in conversation with others who think or speak differently.
On December 10, my word of the day was “Let’s do it together.” That word arose during communion, and its primary meaning for me was spiritual–the other key dimension of social life. Later that day, I decided to socialize by going out to a gathering to which a friend had invited me. From his email, I received the mistaken impression that this would be an interreligious gathering to respond to the San Bernardino massacre. Instead it turned out to be a regular weekly gathering of Baha’is and their guests. There was the host family including two young children, another Baha’i, and myself. I had an enormously good time relating with the family; and I was glad to meet the other gentleman. Toward the end of the evening, however, I subtly failed to sustain the spiritual quality of my relating. It turns out that the host of the event knew of me already, had seen something of my book, The Golden Rule, and our mutual friend had told him about me and my teaching. So I was asked about these achievements . . . and fell into the trap of getting involved answering questions on a cultural level in a way that let go of the spiritual depth of divine and human socialization that we had experienced earlier in the evening in prayer, music, and our earlier conversation.
A couple days later, my word of the day was, “Be you wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” At the gym, I realized the art of living (and teaching) as arising from the simultaneous embrace of two levels of attitude: (1) a trust in the universe as friendly; and (2) the wise and serpents and harmless as doves response to factual realism: there are opponents out there, and if I descend to impatience-anger-contempt I stir up trouble for others and for myself, not to mention extra difficulties the God whom I aim to serve and who desires to help, not provoke, those whom I am affecting. I now regard spiritual-and-intellectual maturity as the ability to embrace two levels simultaneously: spiritual-cosmic and factual-practical. I know from experience that it is possible to do this, and I know that I will in time master the habit of living in that mature and integrated way.
Last Sunday my word of the day was “Trust us.” And in the evening I engaged in blessed social rejoicing in my relationship with God.
Last Monday I realized that I cannot perform my function as a philosopher unless I also mobilize the Spirit-given power of an evangelist as I give voice to the throbbing spirit-value heart of that philosophy. That afternoon I conversed with a person and cleared up my misunderstanding of him; learning about him enabled me to establish my relationship with him on an entirely new level. After the conversation I was flooded with an attitude of divine mercy towards people, realized that this attitude of merciful love is the secret of whetting appetites: not by challenging my listeners but by patiently and lovingly expressing the way that I am finding, totally and patiently accepting the fact of where the other person person is and how he may express himself. That gift from God made the day feel like a watershed in my life. I knew that I would need to work repeatedly to sustain the vision of that divinely given attitude; but I also felt that I had been given an insight that would eventually transform my teaching and my life. I had been given a taste of how Jesus lived, the key to my realization and practice of brotherhood.
Tuesday evening it was back to Toastmasters, but I hadn’t sufficiently prepared myself spiritually and did not relate up to my own standards. The lesson: Un-centered socializing blesses no one.
This evening, Wednesday, I find that I have written more than enough, so I’m going to go ahead and schedule this post for Saturday. Beginning next week, I will be responding to comments to this blog post, but will otherwise be on vacation until Saturday, January 9.
The photo is of cellist Mstislav Rostropovich.
Jeff, you surely do tackle some of the most difficult of tasks. And with socialization, you are willing yourself to scale some heights that I, myself, have long since decided are unscalable and even unknowable. It’s not that I haven’t experienced some real growth–over time–in this area as my internal moorings have stabilized. But, regarding the deliberate farming of my personal resources and emotional baggage, I have come to believe that time alone can bring the best recovery. But with this, your most courageous post so far, you have inspired me.
Please keep me on your list.
(hmmm… I wonder if my failing social skills have contributed to your neglecting to ask me to join your email list? (just joking!)
Beloved Scott, the pathos in a weblog is not to know who is reading beyond a few who comment from time to time and a few who comment occasionally on Facebook. But sometimes I hear from someone who refers to this creature and I sense that it does in fact reach out. Given my very large respect for you, your comment is deeply meaningful to me. And about the list: please laugh. I was unable to get out the mailing (and you are on the list) because I’m such a newbie to that technology. And now I’ve begun a two week vacation. So don’t expect anything soon. Merry Christmas, beloved brother, and all good to your infinitely precious wife, son, and daughter!
Jeff, you surely do tackle some of the most difficult of tasks. And with socialization, you are willing yourself to scale some heights that I, myself, have long since decided are unscalable and even unknowable. It’s not that I haven’t experienced some real growth–over time–in this area as my internal moorings have stabilized. But, regarding the deliberate farming of my personal resources and emotional baggage, I have come to believe that time alone can bring the best recovery. But with this, your most courageous post so far, you have inspired me.
Please keep me on your list.
(hmmm… I wonder if my failing social skills have contributed to your neglecting to ask me to join your email list? (just joking!)
Beloved Scott, the pathos in a weblog is not to know who is reading beyond a few who comment from time to time and a few who comment occasionally on Facebook. But sometimes I hear from someone who refers to this creature and I sense that it does in fact reach out. Given my very large respect for you, your comment is deeply meaningful to me. And about the list: please laugh. I was unable to get out the mailing (and you are on the list) because I’m such a newbie to that technology. And now I’ve begun a two week vacation. So don’t expect anything soon. Merry Christmas, beloved brother, and all good to your infinitely precious wife, son, and daughter!
Dearest Jeff,
I have been thinking of you quite frequently for some time and been intending to reach out. This post will certainly be added encouragement to do so soon after the New Year. Thank you for such heartfelt and authentic sharing. Holding you and yours dearly and looking forward to deepened connections. ~Susan Meyers
Looking forward,
Dearest Jeff,
I have been thinking of you quite frequently for some time and been intending to reach out. This post will certainly be added encouragement to do so soon after the New Year. Thank you for such heartfelt and authentic sharing. Holding you and yours dearly and looking forward to deepened connections. ~Susan Meyers
Looking forward,
What a good an important post. Before answering these questions I wish to share something publicly, perhaps as a kind of confession. I like to think of myself as a gregarious fellow, who can adapt easily in most social situations. I was once told that I can get along with nearly anyone, and engage in conversation, etc. However, I am terrible at seeking help from others. There have been several times in my adult life where I faced tragic loss: of a friend’s premature death, of a family member’s death, the loss of a long and meaningful relationship with a wonderful woman, and most recently the loss of my marriage and the stress of divorce. In nearly all of these instances I withdrew. In fact, in most cases I resented what I saw as the perfunctory inquiry of, “are you OK?”, or “how are you doing”, “are you holding up with al of this.” I don’t know why, but I found myself suffering alone, reluctantly but preferably. I still don’t know why I do this, and have contemplated that it may be some form of pride, that it is beneath me to reach out to people. Or perhaps some kind of shame; shame that I will appear before others something less than what or how I wish them to see me. If it is tragic it is only so because the things I most want in life are family, friendship, community, love, and conversation. When these elements come to me I am joyous, but why I have such a difficult time seeking them humbly and earnestly is something for which I struggle to change and understand.
Why are the years of early childhood (through, say, age seven or eight) so important? What aspects of development occur during those years in a well-balanced child?
In these years we bond to our parents, develop language, and form friendships. We also, perhaps, come to form a stance on the world as a place of warmth and happiness, or for some something other. I consider my son, who is seven. He never grew up without love in the home and friends in the neighborhood. He is one of the happiest kids I know.
What capacities of mind are involved in those developments?
I don’t know about capacities of mind, but I should add the following environmental elements as being vital: comfort, security, regularity/consistency, stability, communication, and socialization. These, I believe, foster what might be construed as capacities of mind or spirit: love, trust, openness, joyfulness, hope, and wonder.
What kinds of activities help the child to actualize those potentials?
At home this to me includes very simple things: engagement with the child, helping the child witness good communication in the household, ensuring the child witnesses good activities, and so on. Also, taking the child out to different places to meet as many different people as possible. One of my fondest memories as a child was hanging around my grandfather’s grocery store on busy weekends. I met countless numbers of people and perhaps there developed an ability to talk to folks of all walks of life.
One very important thing, too, is simply knowing your parents are always there for you, giving you love and support, and sometimes even discipline. No child likes discipline, but I do believe that when it comes from a place of love they understand and appreciate it inwardly. I often make the distinction between the coach and the cheerleader. The coach wants what is best for the team and its members, and will strengthen them through strenuous activities and discipline. The cheerleader tells you how great you are in everything you do. In the end, however, the coach will make you better.
Share an aspect from your childhood that grew normally and describe something of your experience that enabled you to progress?
When I was a child, despite having never met my father, I had a very loving family with many relatives that would visit us, and we them. These visits with my larger family were always something to look forward to, and all members therein brought something unique: different personalities, different ages, different interests, and so forth. It was being around all of those people who cared deeply for one another, despite some of Irish craziness that ensued, contributed greatly to my nurturing.
But there was also another element that helped, though far from normal. When my mother left my father when I was a baby we lived with my grandparents. They did not get along well, and I witnessed many vitriolic arguments between them and between them and my mother. She always impressed upon me the need for emotional strength. I did indeed develop this, but perhaps given what I said earlier perhaps a bit too much strength. There is, perhaps, a point where strength becomes a weakness.
Finally, think of some area that you would like to strengthen, an area of development that normally begins in early childhood. Come up with ideas of balanced and healthy activities that would help you gain the growth you desire. If you choose, create and commit to a project that could help you grow in that area. Ideas may come immediately, then insights, then breakthroughs, but building new character habits takes longer. If you would like to do so, you are invited to share your project decision and, later, your project experience, with the readers of this weblog through comments on this blog post.
My initial comments are precisely that, and I don’t really know where or how to start. I would like to believe that I always ran to my mom when I was feeling bad, but why and how this is not translating to seeking help from others is something about which I simply don’t know or understand. Perhaps I was too reliant upon my mother, especially in later years. I sometimes think I am a reluctant adult. In fact, it is often a bit overwhelming. I do believe I have done a good job, mostly. I provided for my family financially, and did my best to be a good father. And I think in the context of a family or team I thrive quite naturally. It’s the feeling of being thrown into the abyss, alone, where I struggle.
I will be in touch immediately. And know: I believe in you!
What a good an important post. Before answering these questions I wish to share something publicly, perhaps as a kind of confession. I like to think of myself as a gregarious fellow, who can adapt easily in most social situations. I was once told that I can get along with nearly anyone, and engage in conversation, etc. However, I am terrible at seeking help from others. There have been several times in my adult life where I faced tragic loss: of a friend’s premature death, of a family member’s death, the loss of a long and meaningful relationship with a wonderful woman, and most recently the loss of my marriage and the stress of divorce. In nearly all of these instances I withdrew. In fact, in most cases I resented what I saw as the perfunctory inquiry of, “are you OK?”, or “how are you doing”, “are you holding up with al of this.” I don’t know why, but I found myself suffering alone, reluctantly but preferably. I still don’t know why I do this, and have contemplated that it may be some form of pride, that it is beneath me to reach out to people. Or perhaps some kind of shame; shame that I will appear before others something less than what or how I wish them to see me. If it is tragic it is only so because the things I most want in life are family, friendship, community, love, and conversation. When these elements come to me I am joyous, but why I have such a difficult time seeking them humbly and earnestly is something for which I struggle to change and understand.
Why are the years of early childhood (through, say, age seven or eight) so important? What aspects of development occur during those years in a well-balanced child?
In these years we bond to our parents, develop language, and form friendships. We also, perhaps, come to form a stance on the world as a place of warmth and happiness, or for some something other. I consider my son, who is seven. He never grew up without love in the home and friends in the neighborhood. He is one of the happiest kids I know.
What capacities of mind are involved in those developments?
I don’t know about capacities of mind, but I should add the following environmental elements as being vital: comfort, security, regularity/consistency, stability, communication, and socialization. These, I believe, foster what might be construed as capacities of mind or spirit: love, trust, openness, joyfulness, hope, and wonder.
What kinds of activities help the child to actualize those potentials?
At home this to me includes very simple things: engagement with the child, helping the child witness good communication in the household, ensuring the child witnesses good activities, and so on. Also, taking the child out to different places to meet as many different people as possible. One of my fondest memories as a child was hanging around my grandfather’s grocery store on busy weekends. I met countless numbers of people and perhaps there developed an ability to talk to folks of all walks of life.
One very important thing, too, is simply knowing your parents are always there for you, giving you love and support, and sometimes even discipline. No child likes discipline, but I do believe that when it comes from a place of love they understand and appreciate it inwardly. I often make the distinction between the coach and the cheerleader. The coach wants what is best for the team and its members, and will strengthen them through strenuous activities and discipline. The cheerleader tells you how great you are in everything you do. In the end, however, the coach will make you better.
Share an aspect from your childhood that grew normally and describe something of your experience that enabled you to progress?
When I was a child, despite having never met my father, I had a very loving family with many relatives that would visit us, and we them. These visits with my larger family were always something to look forward to, and all members therein brought something unique: different personalities, different ages, different interests, and so forth. It was being around all of those people who cared deeply for one another, despite some of Irish craziness that ensued, contributed greatly to my nurturing.
But there was also another element that helped, though far from normal. When my mother left my father when I was a baby we lived with my grandparents. They did not get along well, and I witnessed many vitriolic arguments between them and between them and my mother. She always impressed upon me the need for emotional strength. I did indeed develop this, but perhaps given what I said earlier perhaps a bit too much strength. There is, perhaps, a point where strength becomes a weakness.
Finally, think of some area that you would like to strengthen, an area of development that normally begins in early childhood. Come up with ideas of balanced and healthy activities that would help you gain the growth you desire. If you choose, create and commit to a project that could help you grow in that area. Ideas may come immediately, then insights, then breakthroughs, but building new character habits takes longer. If you would like to do so, you are invited to share your project decision and, later, your project experience, with the readers of this weblog through comments on this blog post.
My initial comments are precisely that, and I don’t really know where or how to start. I would like to believe that I always ran to my mom when I was feeling bad, but why and how this is not translating to seeking help from others is something about which I simply don’t know or understand. Perhaps I was too reliant upon my mother, especially in later years. I sometimes think I am a reluctant adult. In fact, it is often a bit overwhelming. I do believe I have done a good job, mostly. I provided for my family financially, and did my best to be a good father. And I think in the context of a family or team I thrive quite naturally. It’s the feeling of being thrown into the abyss, alone, where I struggle.
I will be in touch immediately. And know: I believe in you!
This particular blog requires deeper introspection, for it strikes at the heart of how we become truly human and how we react to the social environment in later life. During the years of seven to nine the child begins to knit the core of his being. The quality of this knitting shapes the whole life after this period. This is where the balance psychological speaking between the id and the superego are established by the ego. It is also during this period that the growing child develops a internal system of proper conduct.
If this balance is tipped to far in the direction of the id, then the child emerges into later life without adequate restraint for his multifarious impulses; on the other hand if the balance is tipped to far in the direction of the superego, then the child emerges as a guilt ridden individual. These are processes that the parents have a big influence in the child life, for it is with this imprinting from the child’s parents that signal where a particular weight is to be placed in the child’s psychological development. But if the parent is also flawed, then the input from the parent is likely to be flawed. Thus every parent should strive to be the best parent they can be for the child’s sake as well as their own.
The parent also contributes to the further development of the child’s psychological growth by allowing and providing him with unique opportunities for interaction with other children. This is extremely important for it helps set boundaries for the child’s sense of proportionality, that is he learns he is not the center of the world.
Some of us, this writer included believed that this internal growth of capacities is the work of God, working through his mind ministries; others attribute the growth to the normal outworking of the human brain, but however, it happens the net result is the same.
It took some time and some painful experiences before I realized I was not quite balanced, and that I was full of deficiencies. After all, I was responding to perceived needs. After I realized that I was riddled with deficiencies, aside from the negative reactions that I received, I did not have the slightest clue as how to eradicate these deficiencies.
For me the growth towards wholeness has been a protracted efforts It is not easy to move beyond your comfort zone. The known is preferable to the unknown, even though the known is very painful, but pain is a powerful stimulus to move one forward. It is true that often times this attempt to escape the pain led off into false direction, but it did cause me to move, and initiated that process where I begin to seriously contemplate my deficiencies. But for years, I made many false starts, and it was only when I asked God to help me that I began to make some real inroads into these personal deficiencies. I knew what I needed to do which was the opposite of what I was doing, but I lacked the courage and the power to do so.
As I now traverse the last phase of this mortal life, I continue to make progress in character growth, and have made a serious commitment to be all that I can be in this life.
TBC
Dr. Perry
If one person tells his or her story at the depth, does it not become, in a way, everyone’s story, or at least the story of countless human beings?
Yes, there is a common thread that runs through all humanity, and this thread of imperfection is destined to become perfect devoid of all deficiencies.
Dr. Perry
As I reflect back upon that period of the deficiencies that have followed from that critical period of 7-9 years old, the first deficiency that I recognized was the feeling of guilt. This feeling surfaced when I was about 9 years old. It happened this way: My aunt who lived with us, gave me a dime. I don’t remember what the occasion was, I don’t remember asking for it.
This little snippet from a poem I wrote titled, “The Death of a Dear Friend,” captures the feeling of guilt nicely:
For quite some time now, I’ve known he could not win.
He was a sort of fellow that took everything to heart.
He just seemed to be made that way; he would not bend.
I remember the day when he was given a small coin,
To buy something for himself, but his heart was torn.
It was only a dime, but unearned, and so conflict was born.
First he bought a yo-yo, but was not pleased.
Than he bought a bo-lo bat which left him forlorn.
His distress grew to such lengths, that he was forced to return
The bo-lo bat, and the money which he had not yet earned. End of snippet
Now I did not have the slightest idea why I was filled with such guilt at that time. But at such an early age, there is nothing that I could have done that would have filled me with such guilty feeling, but this feeling followed me into adult life. But I suspect it was the result of inadequate internal unification.
The next time this guilt surface was at the death of my mother. I was 14 years of age at that time, just beginning to be immersed in the flood tides of adolescent emotions. Again here is an excerpt from an essay on my part attempting to get closure on the problem of guilt surrounding my mother’s death:
”Mama, I missed you so much. I did not even say goodbye to you or speak to you before you left. I know that you loved me and my brothers and sisters very much. And that you were doing everything in your power to take care of us. I am so sorry. I did not understand that you were sick. I did not understand the meaning of the high blood pressure that you had, nor the small stroke that twisted your mouth in the spring before your death in the fall. All I can think of is that the weekend before your death I had been crying and begging you to buy me a coat. I kept right on crying and crying until somehow or someway you took me down to the department store and bought me a coat. I think the name of the store was Spots. I think my aunt who lived with us had an account there. Please forgive
me mama for acting like that. I did not know any better. All I knew is what I thought I needed. There have been so many time over the years that I wished that I had been a better child.. How I wish that I had not worried you so much. Maybe if I had not, you would have lived longer. Death is final, such an abrupt end to a relationship. After it is over, nothing else can be said. All the unresolved
conflicts, all the things left unsaid remain unresolved and unsaid.”
Shortly after the death of my mother I got a visit from my old friend, depression who has continued to stay with me all of these years. He has left for brief periods but always returns.
There have been many smaller episodes of feeling of unwarranted guilt during my life, but the last major one occurred when I was 35. This was the occasion when I bought a car that I really liked. Now I had bought several cars before then but they were mainly utility in motive, but this car I really liked. Shortly after driving it home, the feelings of guilt surfaced, proclaiming you do not deserve this.
It was at this point that I had a talk with my aunt (not the one who gave me a dime) who was in the process of revealing God to me that the guilt was finally shackled and rendered impotent. Since that time, of cultivating my relationship with God, the shadow of guilt has grown shorter and shorter, to the point that I don’t consider it a hindrance to my life. A certain amount of guilt is healthy; it helps us to stay on course.
TBC
Dr. Perry
I’m glad that the personal openness of this conversation enables us to process things together. Sharing facilitates growth. That having been said, beloved brother, I’ll continue this conversation offline (smile).
This particular blog requires deeper introspection, for it strikes at the heart of how we become truly human and how we react to the social environment in later life. During the years of seven to nine the child begins to knit the core of his being. The quality of this knitting shapes the whole life after this period. This is where the balance psychological speaking between the id and the superego are established by the ego. It is also during this period that the growing child develops a internal system of proper conduct.
If this balance is tipped to far in the direction of the id, then the child emerges into later life without adequate restraint for his multifarious impulses; on the other hand if the balance is tipped to far in the direction of the superego, then the child emerges as a guilt ridden individual. These are processes that the parents have a big influence in the child life, for it is with this imprinting from the child’s parents that signal where a particular weight is to be placed in the child’s psychological development. But if the parent is also flawed, then the input from the parent is likely to be flawed. Thus every parent should strive to be the best parent they can be for the child’s sake as well as their own.
The parent also contributes to the further development of the child’s psychological growth by allowing and providing him with unique opportunities for interaction with other children. This is extremely important for it helps set boundaries for the child’s sense of proportionality, that is he learns he is not the center of the world.
Some of us, this writer included believed that this internal growth of capacities is the work of God, working through his mind ministries; others attribute the growth to the normal outworking of the human brain, but however, it happens the net result is the same.
It took some time and some painful experiences before I realized I was not quite balanced, and that I was full of deficiencies. After all, I was responding to perceived needs. After I realized that I was riddled with deficiencies, aside from the negative reactions that I received, I did not have the slightest clue as how to eradicate these deficiencies.
For me the growth towards wholeness has been a protracted efforts It is not easy to move beyond your comfort zone. The known is preferable to the unknown, even though the known is very painful, but pain is a powerful stimulus to move one forward. It is true that often times this attempt to escape the pain led off into false direction, but it did cause me to move, and initiated that process where I begin to seriously contemplate my deficiencies. But for years, I made many false starts, and it was only when I asked God to help me that I began to make some real inroads into these personal deficiencies. I knew what I needed to do which was the opposite of what I was doing, but I lacked the courage and the power to do so.
As I now traverse the last phase of this mortal life, I continue to make progress in character growth, and have made a serious commitment to be all that I can be in this life.
TBC
Dr. Perry
If one person tells his or her story at the depth, does it not become, in a way, everyone’s story, or at least the story of countless human beings?
Yes, there is a common thread that runs through all humanity, and this thread of imperfection is destined to become perfect devoid of all deficiencies.
Dr. Perry
As I reflect back upon that period of the deficiencies that have followed from that critical period of 7-9 years old, the first deficiency that I recognized was the feeling of guilt. This feeling surfaced when I was about 9 years old. It happened this way: My aunt who lived with us, gave me a dime. I don’t remember what the occasion was, I don’t remember asking for it.
This little snippet from a poem I wrote titled, “The Death of a Dear Friend,” captures the feeling of guilt nicely:
For quite some time now, I’ve known he could not win.
He was a sort of fellow that took everything to heart.
He just seemed to be made that way; he would not bend.
I remember the day when he was given a small coin,
To buy something for himself, but his heart was torn.
It was only a dime, but unearned, and so conflict was born.
First he bought a yo-yo, but was not pleased.
Than he bought a bo-lo bat which left him forlorn.
His distress grew to such lengths, that he was forced to return
The bo-lo bat, and the money which he had not yet earned. End of snippet
Now I did not have the slightest idea why I was filled with such guilt at that time. But at such an early age, there is nothing that I could have done that would have filled me with such guilty feeling, but this feeling followed me into adult life. But I suspect it was the result of inadequate internal unification.
The next time this guilt surface was at the death of my mother. I was 14 years of age at that time, just beginning to be immersed in the flood tides of adolescent emotions. Again here is an excerpt from an essay on my part attempting to get closure on the problem of guilt surrounding my mother’s death:
”Mama, I missed you so much. I did not even say goodbye to you or speak to you before you left. I know that you loved me and my brothers and sisters very much. And that you were doing everything in your power to take care of us. I am so sorry. I did not understand that you were sick. I did not understand the meaning of the high blood pressure that you had, nor the small stroke that twisted your mouth in the spring before your death in the fall. All I can think of is that the weekend before your death I had been crying and begging you to buy me a coat. I kept right on crying and crying until somehow or someway you took me down to the department store and bought me a coat. I think the name of the store was Spots. I think my aunt who lived with us had an account there. Please forgive
me mama for acting like that. I did not know any better. All I knew is what I thought I needed. There have been so many time over the years that I wished that I had been a better child.. How I wish that I had not worried you so much. Maybe if I had not, you would have lived longer. Death is final, such an abrupt end to a relationship. After it is over, nothing else can be said. All the unresolved
conflicts, all the things left unsaid remain unresolved and unsaid.”
Shortly after the death of my mother I got a visit from my old friend, depression who has continued to stay with me all of these years. He has left for brief periods but always returns.
There have been many smaller episodes of feeling of unwarranted guilt during my life, but the last major one occurred when I was 35. This was the occasion when I bought a car that I really liked. Now I had bought several cars before then but they were mainly utility in motive, but this car I really liked. Shortly after driving it home, the feelings of guilt surfaced, proclaiming you do not deserve this.
It was at this point that I had a talk with my aunt (not the one who gave me a dime) who was in the process of revealing God to me that the guilt was finally shackled and rendered impotent. Since that time, of cultivating my relationship with God, the shadow of guilt has grown shorter and shorter, to the point that I don’t consider it a hindrance to my life. A certain amount of guilt is healthy; it helps us to stay on course.
TBC
Dr. Perry
I’m glad that the personal openness of this conversation enables us to process things together. Sharing facilitates growth. That having been said, beloved brother, I’ll continue this conversation offline (smile).